Another turn of the page.

It always seems to be that, whenever I come to some critical moment in my life (and I happen to be near a computer), I blog about it. Because my words of mouth suddenly become ill-equipped to bear the turmoil of emotions I'll oft experience at those times. There I'll be, seated in my bedroom, staring blankly at my walls. Walls that -if they could talk - might spill their lifetime of stories. But they cannot; and therefore, they make for terrible conversation. Which then leaves my computer.

As many (I use that term loosely, as I doubt my readership could sum to "many") of you already know, I walked those final steps of my undergraduate career at the University of Maryland just a few weeks ago. I was "honored" in two different ceremonies along with my other classmates, although the ceremonies themselves hardly amounted to anything for us as we were all still in shock. We had worked our asses off up until the last day, and then just hours later sat in the basketball stadium, listening to speakers herald our accomplishments and advise us of the future. They spoke to warn and inspire, hoping that if at least a small portion of us listened to their words, we could truly become successful. And their hopes were partly fulfilled, as I remember several almost-graduates around me poke their heads up and look forward, while others chatted with friends or napped (in such ceremonious attire, at least). But before we could blink our eyes, our undergraduate careers closed behind us to the thunderous applause of our parents, and we were ushered out the doors of that stadium - probably never to return again as an undergrad (there were a few, myself included, that still bit their nails waiting for those last grades to appear online).

At the finish of my last ceremony, I stumbled outside to find friends hugging loved ones, who smiled and gave them their congratulations. I found my own family squinting in the sun and with relieved looks on their faces - I'm sure my parents both let out a "thank God" at some point. Packs of people walked on to concessions with their schools. Some headed out to dinner with family and friends. Bodies piled into cars, and doors slammed shut. And with that slam they were suddenly gone.

My comrades of 2009, most of whom I had never known, were off unto the next part of their lives. They would most likely vanish from my sight for years to come, and probably from my memory. The most unfortunate part about it all, though, was that I would not truly recognize our departure from each other until weeks later, when once I again I stared at my walls. With half my apartment gone, and the last part to leave in a few days as I spend vacation time with family on the beach. I am powerless to stop it, and it had taken me too long to realize it was happening.

I would be lying if I said I was sad to see all of them go. I respected all those who I was fortunate enough to meet at Maryland, but that does not necessarily mean I liked all of them. But then that smaller portion of my class of thousands - the ones I had made friends with and hung-out with and laughed with - they are leaving just as quickly. My roommate of three years, my original dorm friends, my fraternity and sorority friends, my band friends, my aerospace friends. They are all off to new adventures, be it the working world, graduate school, or traveling and volunteering. And the hardest part is dealing with the uncertainty of whether I'll ever get to see them again, or at least say good-bye and good luck.

So I'll say it now, in hopes that this will someday reach them and they'll get my well-wishes.

Good-bye, dear friends. You've all managed to shape a part of my life, and I hope in some way I was able to do the same. You may be unsure of your future as of now, or you may be more certain than you've ever been. Either way, I know you'll be successful in some light. Know that our bad decisions are just as important as our good ones, as long as we learn from them. Mistakes mark the path of achievement, and we'll probably see our share of pot-holes ahead.

Technology is a mysterious thing, in that we live in a world where communication can occur on so many different levels and at so many different times. It's for this reason that I doubt many of us will lose touch, although the time when we do touch each other again - whether to shake hands or hug or kiss - is more uncertain. But know that if you ever stumble through my city or town, wherever I may be, I would love to see a friendly face again. You are as real to me now as you've ever been, and the chance to make you real again in the future would mean the world to me.

So good-bye, good friends. Thanks for the memories and emotions, the bruises and scars. Thanks for the blurry nights and the side-stitches.

Thanks for everything. And good luck.

You don't need a plane to fly

Something I'm always, ALWAYS on the lookout for is the perfect running song. Usually it's something with that great pump-up beat, something that can match my stride easily and make the run less about the foot-to-pavement "thud thud thud" and more about enjoying the world flying by me. But every once in a while, there's a song that comes around and has the ability to completely wipe out the pain and vibration and creaks. A song that turns the world flying around you into some sort of movie, where the plot is advancing and the rush of scenes around you is strange, yet interesting. For the time being, I've found a song that does just that for me.

The song is "The Moment I Said It" by Imogen Heap. It doesn't have the thumpa-thumpa base that usually defines workout mixes, but it does have something completely eliminates the thought of a workout from my mind. It's got motion. Lately, when I run with that song blasting in my ears, the ideas of running shoes and sweat completely melt away, and I'm left with a flash of lights, colors, and scenes. The wind jostling the trees as I pass becomes some intense performance by mother nature. Conversations between two people, unheard by me, turn into silent dramas unfolding as time seems to slow down. The flowing water of a fountain serves as powerful reminder that fluid motion can be smooth, continuous, and unwavering. Cars driving by symbolize that work and life carry on, even though I am temporarily apart from it all.

In my opinion, that's what real running music should do. Running is motion - powerful, exhilerating, and healthy. What's stopping us from feeling that way every time we step into our running shoes?

Take me with a grain of salt

I've decided that one of the most amazing feelings - for me - is rediscovering old music. The stuff that I've had tucked away in my itunes for several months, forgotten as I jam to some other playlist for a while. And then I hit the shuffle button just for kicks, and there it is. That whole feeling of "ooo...I had forgotten you."

If you were curious, the song I'm referring to is "After Tonight" by Justin Nozuka. He's got a solid voice, and the sprinkling of guitar in there (if you know my love of guitar) makes it good.

Anyway, on to the reason I'm here. I've coined this semester my "semester of networking". Given the incredibly vast number of ways to communicate these days, this seems like the perfect time to get out there and start the threads of communication. And so I've done just that, a lot of which is online. Networking online, though, is a bit dangerous...and not in the way of chatting up some axe murderer (don't be a tool, wrap you pick-axe). But more in the way that the only perception we have of people is through what we read. I'm extremely cautious in this regard, though, so I tend to reserve judgment on the people I'm talking to until I've had considerable conversation with them.

My concern is more how people perceive me. Honestly, on paper, I am an impressive person. And I say this not to be a braggart - it's just that to some, my choice of studies and the positions I've held while in college seem pretty exceptional. This is frustrating though, because these people have no handle on my personality. They say "wow" and whatnot, and form this image of Super Chris in their minds. But what happens when they continue getting to know me? Do I suddenly become a disappointment?

Take being an aerospace engineer. Say those two words and people automatically go OMG YOU MUST BE A GENIUS. Which is a mistake, because being aerospace engineer doesn't require a genius mind - it just takes a slightly unnatural affinity for calculus. In many ways, I'm pretty "blah" intellectually, but I do love calculus. Hence, aerospace engineering works. You will find more intelligent people in almost every other major, except their life's masterpieces just won't shoot flames out the end. And in this way, it's a pity that society doesn't recognize the intelligence in those areas. Almost as if, when it's not in-your-face f-ing amazing, it doesn't exist.

Ultimately, I think this entire thought-process stems from a fear I have of people overestimating my person and then becoming disappointed when they see the entire picture. I'm a bit of an over-achiever, but I'm also awkward, goofy, random, and a tad insane - and for the most part, I don't have much of a plan in life. So while my resume may say one thing, I feel like my personality relays another. And that's where the disappointment can happen.

Anyway, that's sorta where my thoughts end on the subject. I wasn't sure how to write about it without it sounding confusing or like I'm whining (which, in a way, I guess I am...and I'm sure someone will point that out). It's just something that's been bothering me as of late every time I encounter someone new and they go "an aerospace engineering? Well aren't you just a smartie." and I just want to violently shake them until they realize otherwise.

Let me Twitta dat *OOOO*

I have Twitter now! And might actually use it....

You can find me at the name "cpandreality". Clever, right? RIGHT?!

Wait, you crave life-updates too? People love me?? Hey now, I saw that face.

So, in the interest of keeping urv-rey-wuhn informed, here goes:
- School has started up again. I'm taking 6 classes, including 3 aerospace engineering courses, intro to French, university band, and...intermediate tumbling & balancing. Which, I've decided, is the most amazing course to ever exist in University of Maryland history.
- I got in to University of Southern California for grad school! As excited as I am, though, whether I go all depends on if money is offered. I'm guessing I won't hear back from my other schools in at least another month.

And that's it. I'm boring, life is swell, blah blah blah. Maybe I'll have a stroke of creative genius and post in a little while. Maybe.

Til then!

If I had to send you a Christmas card...

...it would say this:

"I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas despite my raging insecurities and social awkwardness"

There might even be a picture of a chipmunk on the front. Holding a trumpet.

Granted, if you got one from me at this point, it would only be two weeks late. Which isn't entirely out of character for me. Three cheers for God-awful procrastination!

"Hip hip-"
*crack of thunder*

Christmas card greeting brought to you by Dooce. Damn funny stuff, if I haven't said it...oh, five times before. Six maybe?

Good-bye

This evening, at a time I'm not quite sure of, or really care to know of, our yellow lab Nellie passed away. Because I'm terrible with words in person, I wrote an email to my family across the nation just to let them know. In retrospect though, it was more for me than for them. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and in this case, it was for my grief. This is a copy of that email.

"It is with a truly heavy heart that I
inform you all of the passing of our beloved yellow lab Nellie. She was
about four years old at the time of her death Tuesday evening, with three of
those years being spent with our family.
Almost a month ago, a veterinarian diagnosed Nellie with Lyme Disease, contracted from the smallest of creatures - a tick. Over the course of the last several days, we became
increasingly aware of the disease's effect by the back leg Nellie refused to
walk on due to severe joint pain, and the tremors which shook her body.
Upon seeing the veterinarian this evening, we learned that these signs
represented the final stages of the disease's run, and kidney failure was
extremely likely. Nellie passed this Tuesday evening, and was buried in
our backyard next to another great, lost friend - Casey.

Although we had her for only three short years, the time we spent with
her was enough to build the type of bond that only seems to exist between
incredibly close friends. Yet the fact that she was an energetic, blonde
dog rather than a human seems to make the pain all the worse.

Nellie never came home angry and irritated. She never refused to talk
to you because you'd been a complete jerk the night before. She never
snapped at you, or threw temper tantrums. She was always excited to see
you, even if you might not have wanted to see her.

Nellie was content with going after a tennis ball one or two million
times. With taking up most of the bed and leaving you enough room
to curl up in the fetal position. With sitting her 60-70 lb bulk
directly in your lap if you ever made the mistake of thinking the floor
would be more comfortable than the couch. With chattering her teeth
together in excitement when it was time to go outside. With leaning up
against you as she sat down if it just meant being close.

Nellie ran like a deer, wagged like a maniac, and licked like a...well, I'm
not quite sure. But you stood a good chance of getting licked. Or
jumped on.

She was the embodiment of all the energy of the sun trapped in a furry
creature with four legs and not enough time to release it all. She
was incredibly unique, at least to us, and was the perfect fit in our
family. And now, unfortunately, she is gone.

At this point, I'm still not sure that knowing of her passing in advance
would have been any consolation. As old age approaches in any creature -
whether dog or human - we become increasingly aware of the reality of
mortality. In that state, we can prepare ourselves for what's to come and
say good-bye, yet we also have more time to lament on memories and
the shoulda's and woulda's of life.

As was Nellie's case, there was no time to lament and become
depressed. And there was also no time to say
good-bye.

I left for College Park earlier today for a doctor's appointment, and gave
all the animals a quick rub farewell. "Don't destroy the house," I called
out just as I closed the door, knowing that Nellie had a veterinarian's
appointment later today, and thinking they would give her some
medicine to ease the tremors. Hours later, I called home and learned
that this was not the case.

So I hope you will join me in saying a final farewell to Nellie - the
one you might not have thought to give the last time you saw her big brown eyes
as you walked out our door.


Good-bye Nellie. Thank you for being the best friend I
always wanted and will always remember. I love you, and hope you forever
rest in peace.

-Chris"

Fa la blah blah blah

Sweet baby Jesus, I'm done. This. semester. is. over.

That is, until I get my grades in the mail and wince. Followed by a good deal of grimacing.

So, lessons learned? Here's what I discovered about myself and life from this past fall semester:

- I am only as good as the author of my textbooks. Seriously, if my books suck, chances are I'll suck at the subject matter as well. On that note - I'm a genius when I read John Anderson. That man is God's gift to aerodynamics.
- I am either severely distracted, extremely lazy, or a combination of the two. My grades will probably be a testament to that.
- I might actually enjoy designing airplanes...as long as I don't have to do it in Excel. Ever again.
- When professors say "It only took me 15 minutes to write up the solution, so you shouldn't need more than 30," it actually means: "I made up the answers and it took me 15 minutes to write them out. If anyone hands in this exam before 2 hours, I'll give them a lollipop. But not really."
- I am going to miss band LIKE NO OTHER. It only took me 4 years as a member of the Mighty Sound of Maryland to realize that you won't find the kind of friends you had in the band for the rest of your life. I just hope that I can keep the ones I have even after we've all moved apart.
- The classes they make you take for undergraduate aerospace engineering do NOT make you want to be an aerospace engineer. This is quite unfortunate, given that I can appreciate how interesting the subject can be if I'm not attempting to finish homework assignments for it at 4 in the morning.
- I have a pretty terrible singing voice. Unfortunately for everyone else, I love to sing.
- As much as I love Matlab, I despise programming. The simple stuff is all well and grand, but building a program that takes in a jumble of satellite position and timing data to calculate its inertial frame and use a numerical solver to predict its path is not my idea of a good time. Given this fact, I am fairly certain I do not want to be an orbital engineer.
- I wish I could major in general engineering science. Science and engineering have become so specialized that it's impossible to become a general thinker - and this saddens me - because I enjoy learning about everything in life, not just the geometry of jet engine compressor blades. AND WORKING WITH THAT IS SOMEONE'S JOB.

So what have I learned this semester? Nothing useful, but I have created a list of things I would like to learn or accomplish in the future, and hopefully 2009 will be the year to start:

1. Learn to speak french, fluently (obviously, this will take more than a year)
   
2. Learn to break dance and hip-hop dance
3. Learn how to do a standing back-flip
4. Discover my true calling in life. Probably the easiest thing to accomplish on this list
5. Produce 1 major piece of artwork per month. It's time to put that high school studio art to good use.

The list goes on with the little this-and-that's of daily life, and hopefully I'll make the changes necessary to accomplish them.

Anywho, hopefully everyone has a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Even if you're not religious, you can still use the time to enjoy the company of the ones you care about. The time you have on this earth is precious and fleeting, so make it unforgettable.

Cheers!