Cheers!

After spending way too much time recovering from our away trip to Vtech (where I was a COMPLETE idiot, as anyone in the band can tell you), I've finally decided to be productive to the extreme this weekend. I started this by, of course, waking up at 2pm today.

For all of you that are curious, Monday was a....rough...day for me. BUT, I've decided that if I really want something, like grad school, then the GREs aren't going to hold me back. Here's an updated list of the places I'll probably be applying to:

- Texas A&M
- University of Florida
- University of Maryland
- University of Michigan
- UCLA, San Diego
- University of Southern California

And, because I was a complete dumb-ass when it came to deciding where to send my GRE scores, I'm going to throw an application Caltech's way, although I really expect NOTHING from them.

Application due dates start December 1st. Wish me luck!

A single day.

My plans for the future suddenly became shaky when I saw those scores flash onto the screen. The quantitative score was average for an engineer, nothing special. The verbal score was embarrassing. Was I really that dumb? Maybe there's a good reason I don't speak much.

SELECT THE SCHOOLS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEND YOUR SCORES TO.

Could I even send these scores? Stanford was now completely off the list. As was Caltech and Berkeley. Cornell, Carnegie Mellon. Princeton. They were gone. The process of mentally striking these schools off began to make my head swim. I had to make some quick choices, or else the time on the computer would probably expire, and nothing would be sent out. Do you still want to go to grad school? Yes. Then look towards the bottom of your list and send your scores there. They might take you. I laughed nervously to myself as I added USC, Texas A&M, University of Florida. Last one? Screw it, I'm sending it to Caltech. I had more redeeming qualities, right? Maybe they would look past the scores.

YOU HAVE NOW COMPLETED YOUR EXAMINATION AND ARE FREE TO LEAVE THE FACILITY. PLEASE TAKE ALL OF YOUR BELONGINGS WITH YOU, AND TURN IN YOUR SCRAP-PAPER TO THE DESK OUTSIDE THE DOOR.

The car-ride home was one of half-hearted joking about the test and listless mental pacing. Do I have more redeeming qualities? Redeeming engineering qualities? The answer to that last question was quickly becoming less certain. Flashing through my college career, it seemed like I had been the farthest from an engineering major that was possible while still staying within the curricular requirements. I had taken the classes, but I had then escaped into music, into band. Into soccer and running and swimming and parties and art and reading. What was it that Professor L had said?

Chris: Well, at that point, I had so much going on with band and my fraternity that I decided it would be too..
Prof L: Mhm, I see.
Chris: But I do have a lot of extracurriculars! How much does that weigh in?
Prof L: Extracurriculars are...fine. Of course, what were are looking for the most is interaction with your professors and research work, if available.
Chris: Don't have much of that....I did a little research before in the combustion la-
Prof L: In fact, it often seems to me that when a student with a greater number of extracurriculars applies, he'll be less focused on the research and more on the outside environment. You see what I'm saying?
Chris: I guess...So more extracurriculars comes-off as a bad thing?
Prof L: When I review grad student applications coming into a Maryland, those extracurriculars come-off more as distraction than anything else...

So I was distracted. But I had gotten decent grades. I may not have been one of those students that always skipped into the professor's office to ask questions, but I liked it that way. I liked knowing that I could figure it out myself. Damn, what had that kid said? That one that commented on my blog a while ago when I was talking about taking 20 credits and pledging at the same time...

20 credits along with outside activities is going to draw the attention of any university as too much on your plate....those reading your blog will see you as whining.
...
Unfortunately life is a game of sorts and the sooner you learn how to play by the rules rather the fight them you will win more often then lose.

Ok ok, I GET IT. It had been a simple truth that had stung at the time, and now it was always creeping up to haunt me. I had taken the risk of becoming the aero band kid rather than the purely aero kid, and I was paying the price. Guess everything catches up with you in the end.

Arriving back at my apartment, I stopped thinking long enough to realize my stomach was doing as many flips as my head was. Apparently I had used up everything in those four hours this morning, and it was time to refuel. Kimmie and Phil's? Don't have cash. Chipotle? Had it yesterday. Noodles. There we go. Pad Thai would really hit the spot.

I gathered my stuff for practice that afternoon and headed over to the shopping plaza next door to the apartments, becoming increasingly aware of the hole I had dug myself into throughout my years at Maryland. My grimace must have been fairly apparent when I arrived at the restaurant, as the cashier's smile faltered slightly and he averted his eyes towards the register. I placed my order and leaned against a low wooden wall with my hands in my hoodie pockets to wait for my food.

Overall below average GRE scores.
Little interaction with professors.
No shining 4.0 GPA.
Several months of research that was mostly spent constructing the steel frame of an experiment I never saw happen.
Too many extracurriculars.

There was no where else to shift the blame but myself. No one had forced any decision on me here at school. That was the beauty of college - you could do what you wanted to and become who you wanted to. I had been one of those people who had wanted to do it all, and all the options were available.

I wasn't aware of how much I had been dragging my feet along the sidewalk until about two-thirds the way to CSPAC. I looked up to discover that I was now behind McKeldin Library. What happened to those days when I would spend hours within those walls, studying? I continued on, not nearly as excited for my Pad Thai as I had been 20 minutes ago.

There were people in the band office, so I turned and walked back out to that table outside the band room. It was now becoming harder and harder to restrain the doubts that were leaking through my wall of future-certainty. I wouldn't be joining any top graduate engineering program. Probably nothing within the top 20. Would anyone within the top 50 even accept me?

That entire wall that had been my carefully crafted future - a top grad school, graduate research, possibly a doctorate, working in the research department of a big aerospace company, bringing innovation to the aerospace world - began to come apart in large chunks. I was losing everything I thought I had known about my future. Everything that I had worked for as an aerospace engineer.

The wall finally gave way, and I was left with bits and pieces among the doubts that flowed throughout my mind. Flowed through my mind and apparently out of my eyes. The ones that escaped, though, were immediately replaced by new ones.

Everyone liked to ask the question "what are you doing after you graduate?", and I had readily provided a response, even sometimes including that I was still unsure of where to work after grad school. And then they would say "well, you better figure it out soon, you don't want to be sitting around doing nothing after undergrad. Employers will be even less likely to accept you." Now I had no response. I had no certainty. It was like having a hovering orb of light guiding you along in a swamp vanish from sight, and now you were left to wade through murky waters and fend off creatures of the dark. And outside the swamp, you were uncertain about whether there would be a city, a small town, a tiny cabin, a barren tundra, or a dry desert.

You didn't know how to get out and you didn't know what lay beyond. You could grope for pieces of some now decrepit wall in the darkness, and attempt to get your bearings. But all of a sudden, that seemed incredibly hard to do.