When nothing makes sense

I would like to mark today as an important day. For today is the pinnacle of my absolute confusion and frustration in deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life. To the point where I would like nothing more than to leave the office and sit in my apartment sulking and contemplating. This frustration (you'll notice I use this word a lot on the blog - mainly because I'm ALWAYS FRUSTRATED) stems from a variety of reasons. Let's review them:

1.) I've had "notions" for what I've wanted in a career, most of them revolving around some sort of engineering. Past notions have included building skyscrapers, roller coasters, fighter jets, dynamic architecture, bridges, and supersonic transports. Lately I've been fixated by supersonic transports and roller coasters. Today I spent half an hour during my lunch break looking up roller coaster design companies and reviewing their various accomplishments.

2.) I want to be a creative problem solver. The kind that comes of with new and innovative ways to do things. Fresh designs and ideas, crazy things you'd never think of. Mostly, I want to apply these innovations on a large scale; not just some little BRAND NEW POLISHED METALLIC FINISH 8 SETTINGS appliance. Something that will make people stop and go "Wow, that's amazing. I wonder who thought/designed/developed/constructed that" (you all know you think in slashes).

3.) I want to make money. A significant amount of money. And when I say significant, I mean that I would one day like to make above $150k. Well above would be nice. Significantly above would be preferable. Enough to pay for a quality city apartment and an ASTON MARTIN DBS gahhhh *drools*. I mean, I wouldn't even need to buy the car - hovering at $220k-$260k for now - right off. I would be willing to make payments. Look how not-greedy I am! But the fact that I need a DBS is pretty much a given.

4.) I'm impatient. I see people in this company (GE Aviation for those of you just joining us. Up next we'll head to Logan, Utah to see quite an amazing squirrel perform aerial acrobatics! Just after this.) who have worked here for 5-10 years and are still sitting in cubicles doing what they've always done. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to do that. Just the thought of sticking with a single company for 10 years - equivalent to HALF OF MY LIFE - is almost ludicrous. Ten years of working, no less. The working where you head off from your home at 7am and get back at 5pm for 5 days a week for 48 weeks in a year IF you're lucky enough to get 4 weeks paid vacation. Also, when ten years is up, where are you? You're officially an adult, with responsibilities and kids and a lawn to mow in the evening. And you've just missed your 20s. As of right now, when I can barely handle the basics of life in the working world, this notion completely blows me over.

If you'll notice, a lot of these reasons seem to clash. And by "seem to clash", I actually mean "create an epically bloody-battle for the fate of the universe and the restoration of peace." The aerospace industry is quite high paying (woo, I'm on the right track!), but those high salary spots usually involve a cubicle. For long years. And slowly working your way up in management. The creative problem solving positions delve more into research, which in all honesty wouldn't be that bad. Except researchers do not hold the highest salaries and often only get to see a few of their slaved-over subjects and ideas come to a large-scale, physical fruition (in the case of larger infrastructure projects). Meaning that the term "fruits-of-your-labor" could result in you only holding one or two apples *....mmmmmmm*.

The job of roller coaster designer/engineer, one which I have contemplated since the beginning of high school, has unravelled quite the complex issue for me. We've all seen the newest in tall, fast, and innovative coasters that provide the thrill of a life time. But the more I've researched, the more I've seen how amusement park companies only put out a few of those extreme coasters; the rest being cookie-cutter thrill rides that pop up in all the big amusement parks. MORE research revealed to me that a roller coaster designer's salary is between $45k-$80k - a salary that would certainly provide a comfortable lifestyle, but not exactly the one I'm looking for. Needless to say, my research today was a little frustrating.

Yes, I know I'm picky and have probably set my career goals a bit high, but in order to find out exactly what I want to do in life, I need to establish all of the requirements that would fit my perfect job and work from there. The task, as it stands now, seems almost impossible. Which then makes it even more difficult for me to decide what I want to do my graduate schooling in (at least I know I'm going) or where to apply.

Therefore, I'm lost. Completely lost.


As it seems, advice like "follow your heart" won't cut it when your heart doesn't have enough information to make a decision that affects the rest of your life.